Piedmont Park Fountain Used to Mix Drinks, Water Nymphs Outraged

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2022
These fountains are used to serving water for water's sake, you lush. PHOTO: Mike Downey

PIEDMONT PARK–The Piedmont Park fountains were pressed into unusual service over the festival weekend when their water was used as a mixing agent in alcoholic beverages, bringing outrage from the water nymphs who reside in a secret underground aquifer underneath the park.

The magical beings rose up from their subterranean home this morning to communicate their ire to Atlanta Banana reporters via phone.

“We Niads of the Piedmont Park Aquifer spend long hours splashing around in togas so that you humans can have crystal clear water for yourselves and your annoying dogs,” said Crystal, head nymph. “And how do you repay our labor? By mixing it with Jack Daniel’s. Unconscionable!”

According to Atlanta public record, the underground water reservoir was brought into being during an intense magical ceremony held on the site of the current Piedmont Park Driving Club in 1895 as part of the Cotton States and International Exhibition, which lasted for 100 days and boasted 800,000 thirsty visitors.

“Anyway, we love providing the water and all that,” said Crystal. “But knock it off with the whiskey, guys. It’s a disgrace.”