PARKatlanta Introduces PrePark Thought Crime Division

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One of PARKAtlanta's psychics searches mentally for bad parkers. PHOTO: Marc Eliot

ATLANTA–Atlanta’s parking enforcement agency has announced plans to ticket motorists for parking infractions they will commit in the future.

Thanks to technologically augmented precognition, three cyborg human subjects are able to look into the future to accurately detect and ticket parking infractions citizens will commit.

Reporters spoke with Capt. John Andercruise, PrePark department head, this morning.

“These technological advances are a huge boon for PARKatlanta,” said Andercruise. “Since pretty much everyone will commit a parking infraction at some point in their lives, all that’s left now is to collect our money.”

Andercruise revealed that PARKatlanta’s money troubles began when the city of Atlanta began putting restrictions on when it could and could not fine motorists.

“We bought the right to fine Atlanta’s citizens fair and square,” he said. “Of course, the citizens we fined got pissed, complained to the Mayor, and now we have reduced hours. We’re not making nearly enough money to cover costs.”

Andercruise refused to comment on the philosophical implications of the freewill/determinism dichotomy underscored by using precognition to predict the parking infractions.

“I don’t really give two shits about implications,” he said. “I have a bottom line to think about here.”

Andercruise then returned to his work, which consisted of moving images around seemingly in thin air with his hands.

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