Owner of Unflattering Dress Pleased that Boutique Has Gone Out of Business

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You are beautiful now that you can't buy our clothes. PHOTO: Paul Joseph

PHILADELPHIA, PA–Marsha Martia-Marshall, owner of a dress from a boutique in Philadelphia that does not flatter her figure, was pleased to note last week that the shop where she purchased the garment has gone out of business. Though Martia-Marshall expressed sadness on the boutique’s Facebook page, which she “liked” only upon seeing the closeout sale signs in the shop’s window so that she could be privy to the store’s death throes, privately she has remarked to friends that it “serves them right.”

“I may have been tipsy when I bought that dress off a sidewalk rack,” said Martia-Marshall, “But the girl definitely should have let me know it was made for someone who not only has never eaten, but lacks bones of any kind.”

The dress, which appears to be made out of very nice material in a flattering color, simply is crafted in a way that clashes unflatteringly with its owner’s body, rendering it not only useless but insulting.

Martia-Marshall crossed her arms, then gave the single exposed sleeve of the dress a withering look. “Look at it, hanging in my closet, mocking me. You’re not even from this planet!”

The dress owner reported hopes that the new tenants of the vacant space will be a coffee shop, or perhaps a used book store. Another boutique would be okay even, if they sold clothes for human beings.