SMYRNA — Atlanta mayor, Joaquin Snead, announced today that Atlanta’s inaugural Outside The Perimeter Day Festival (OTP Day) would be canceled due to traffic delays.
“It’s unfortunate,” said Snead in a teleconference earlier this morning. The teleconference was conducted from his cell phone as he sat idle on I-75, which he deemed a “huge-ass clusterfuck of shit.”
There were four crashes on I-75, one near Buckhead, another south near East Point, one up in Smyrna, and another close to Vinings.
Five crashes occurred on I-285. Two more accidents took place on I-20, both in Decatur. There were three additional accidents on GA-400, three on Highway 278, three on Highway 41, five on Highway 70, one on Highway 280, three on Highway 675, one on Highway 54, six on Highway 160, one on Highway 19, and another on Highway 29.
OTP Day was designed to celebrate all the people who commute into the city and increase its population by 750 percent, five days a week, for nine hours..
“People who live ‘OTP’,” said Congressman Dewey Cheatham. “as the hipping-sters say, also create jobs. Without the average fifty-seven crashes every two hours, paramedics would find it harder to get work. And we wouldn’t employ any H.E.R.O. units to help the idiots who run out of gas in the middle of the highway.”
“OTPers also help Lexus dealerships stay in business,” said Andy Howe, a car dealer in Marietta. “But I still hope they all die in a fiery hellblaze on the way to work. They’re more pretentious than Apple fanboys. And even less original. I’d rather deal with an African warlord after he found out his car was stolen, he just did three rails of blow, and he’s holding a machete dripping with baby blood… You’re not recording this, are you?.”
The Atlanta Banana dispatched a reporter to interview a staff member of mayor Snead’s about the Festival being rescheduled, but said reporter is stuck in traffic so long he’s considering employing cannibalism on fellow motorists.