Opinion: Sure, I’ll Go Out With You Once and Then Never Speak to You Again!

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Oh, you wanted to have sex? Me too. Just not with you. PHOTO: Alla_G

Guys, let me start first of all by saying that I get it. Dating is hard! You’re constantly running the risk of making a complete ass of yourself. Even in these modern times, with the advent of online dating, asking a girl out can make any logical, adult man revert back to adolescent levels of awkwardness and insecurity.

In other words, I feel your pain! I can totally empathize with the pressure that you must be under, what with your fear of loneliness mashed up against your fear of rejection. Which is why I’m here to put your minds at ease. Dudes, here’s a breaking newsflash from us ladies: RELAX! We’re all just people. I, personally, would be more than happy to go out with you once and then most likely ignore you forever!

Say we make eye contact over our MacBooks at a coffee shop, or our hands brush as we both reach for the same milk carton at the grocery store (hey, you never know where that spark of attraction will catch!) You only have a brief window in which to make your move—should you go for it? Walk away, silently chastising yourself and wringing your hands—or, throw caution to the wind, introduce yourself, and boldly ask for my number? Gentlemen, listen up: the choice is simple! I know that I, and most girls like me, would be completely willing to cough up the ol’ digits, set up a date to get drinks through a series of amiable, flirty texts, go out with you to that new bar over in West Midtown, and then completely avoid contact with you for the rest of time.

It’s like, what the hell, you know? Life is short!

Or, maybe you’re tending the bar when I’m out with my girlfriends. Hey, I love a little extra customer service, if ya know what I mean! Nothing makes my day more than unexpectedly getting a number from a hottie mixing drinks, or taking my order at Starbucks, or ringing me up at Barnes and Noble—whatever the case may be. Just feel free to write down your info on my receipt! Why not; I gotta eat, right? You can virtually guarantee that I’ll respond, and that after our lackluster first date, I will diligently avoid your place of employment as if its very walls contained the bubonic plague!

You know what, I’ll even split the bill. (Or I’ll at least offer. I will most likely judge the shit outta you if you let me pay—hey, just being honest! lol) After all, this isn’t the fifties! I’m a modern, independent woman who is more than capable of paying my own way on a date and then dropping off the face of the planet if I’m just not feeling it.

Just a disclaimer: any end-of-date chatter we share after you walk me to my car should be promptly disregarded. I’m sure you’ve been there, fellas: it’s so much easier to say what a nice time we both had and how “we should do this again some time” than for me to admit that I find you boring, or that the way you talk is extremely irritating.  But hey, the fact that I have no interest in ever seeing you again doesn’t mean that we didn’t have a perfectly adequate time together! You can rest assured that as I drive away, I will be cutting my losses and plotting how to gracefully avoid your follow-up text, manufacturing ways to appear “busy” from now until forever.

I mean, should the fact that I’m kind of a passive-aggressive, spineless shit keep us from having a nice but ultimately forgettable first date together, on the extremely off chance that it will turn into something? I think not!

Just trust me on this one, guys. It’s like Drake said: YOLO, right? Take a chance! Who knows? You might just be the love of my life! But you’re almost certainly not, lol.

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J. Allison has been called "Atlanta's comedy writing darling." She came up with this title herself, but it's bound to catch on any day now. In her spare time, she writes "Lord of the Rings" fan fiction and quotes the parts of movies that no one else remembers. She also enjoys the movie "Twister."

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