Night Before New Diet Celebrated With 15,000 Calorie Binge

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2027
This diet is going to work perfectly as soon as I stop drinking pureed donuts. PHOTO: Gpics

TUCKER–Local sheet metal agitator Gary Field, 35, has announced a new diet, set to start bright and early on Monday morning. Stressed about the reduced calories, Field ate nearly four times what he’d normally have consumed on the Sunday evening before, totaling over 15,000 calories.

“I need to drop about twenty-five pounds, I’d say,” confided Field, fidgeting nervously at his home last Monday afternoon. “So I went with a pretty aggressive diet plan. Then I figured, you know, since I’m going to be losing so much weight eventually I might as well go out with a bang.”

Field ate a pancake breakfast, then double cheeseburger with fries for lunch, and finally ordered a medium pizza plus breadsticks for dinner which he polished off himself, finishing the last slice just before bed around midnight. His internal organs are probably still young enough to absorb that kind of punishment, but in the coming years that is likely to change.

At the 15,000 calorie mark, Field has managed to consume in a single day the recommended caloric intake for a seven day span. Many families of four around the world subsist on less calories for a week.

The Atlanta Banana spoke with Bob and Doug McCaulay, co-owners of Buddy Bob’s Pizza, home of the Cheese-Infused Cheese-crusted Molasses Breadsticks which were part of Field’s evening binge.

“We pay top dollar for food scientists to tell us how to jam every possible calorie into every square inch of food,” Bob McCaulay revealed. “Otherwise, our customers will destroy themselves using a competitor’s food. We can’t have that.”

Field is realistic about his chances of sticking to the diet, which are nil.

“I’m gonna probably stick to this sucker for about two weeks,” Field stated, regarding the diet, “And with this aggressive pre-diet binge plus the diet-breaking sugary comfort foods I am likely to gobble down over the coming work days, I will actually probably gain weight.”