New Study Finds You Are Probably Already Dead For Believing Old Study

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Doing science up in here, people. So much science! PHOTO: Urcommunicacion

WASHINGTON, D.C.–A new study released this morning is generating some much-needed social media traffic by proclaiming that everyone who believed the old study, published just over a year ago, is most likely either already dead or doomed to expire within a week.

The study, centered around the effects of dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) on human skin, was conducted by some kind of science guys who were impressive sounding when referred to in the press.

“Hah! You believed that old study we published a year ago? You morons, you are probably already dead,” said Dr. Maury R. Tee, study director. “Go on and buy a coffin if not because you’ll surely gasp your last within a few days.”

“Dipshits,” added Dr. Tee.

The former study showed conclusively that DHMO, a compound which occurs naturally on Earth and can commonly be found in any bathroom or kitchen, was not only non-toxic but necessary for human survival. The new study, however, finds that believing that old study and contacting DHMO in any way has doomed the contacted to a slow, painful, and humiliating demise.

“It’s not my job to explain science to you,” said Dr. Tee. “Science is about getting grants, getting grants means getting press, and getting press means people dying. Now beat it. I have to publish a new study in a few months.”