New Radio Station Promises 50 Minutes of Music-Free Commercials

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Tune in, turn on, drop trou.

ATLANTA, GA–Fans of local car dealerships slept easy last night knowing that just 24 short hours ago, Atlanta’s newest and most experimental radio station hit the airwaves. 96.3 “The Fire Brand” FM launched yesterday following last month’s purchase by California-based radio conglomerate Static Solutions. Within a week of the deal, plans were underway to do away with the increasingly unpopular aspect of radio known as “music.”

The new station, in keeping with radio tradition, offers listeners the opportunity to call in and request commercials they just can’t get enough of. Men looking to pop the question should look no further. The Shane Company is only one of the thousands of companies you can choose from to woo your beau.

“We play the classics, ads as far back as the ’70s,” said station manager Zach “Diamond” Wilson, “plus ten minutes to the hour, every hour, the younger generation can tune in to the serenading sounds of pure uninterrupted static.”

The station has proved popular with metro-ATL commuters, who remain one of the last segments of the Atlanta populace that admits to actively listening to radio.

The station says it is filling programming gaps by plugging in recycled sound bites of deceased Los Angeles deejay Richie “Sonny” Phillips, who clawed his way to radio infamy through his use of the grinding phrase “the dial’s forecast is looking SONNY” and also an extremely degrading on-air racial slur that put him out of work for six weeks in 2008.

“Simply put,” Wilson continued, “[this station] is a much-needed shot in the arm in the midst of a shrinking market. The best we can hope for is that the trend catches on. We’ll know we’ve succeeded when those windbags stop nagging me about what they heard on NPR this morning.”