New Buckhead Walmart To Require Coat and Tie

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Check out our wine section if your wheeled scooter still has power. PHOTO: Patrick Hoesly

BUCKHEAD–The Walmart corporation, responding to resistance from the Buckhead neighborhood where it plans to build a new store, has added a dress code requirement in an effort to curry favor with the upscale area of town.

Walmart corporate representative, Fran Cheiz, spoke to reporters this morning on behalf of the retail giant.

“We realize that some of our customers are–how shall I put this?–hella gross. In an effort to fit in with the Buckhead aesthetic, we will require patrons to dress semi-formally in our store.”

Cheiz explained that Walmart will purchase racks of Walmart-branded coats and ties, available for rent near the front door, for any customer who finds himself in typical Walmart attire.

“In our other stores it is completely acceptable to roll in on a wheeled scooter with your ass cheeks draping out of your 12X stained cotton tee shirt, but here in Buckhead, you’ll need to put on a coat and drape a tie around the area that formerly might have been your neck.”

The store will also feature complimentary valet, and an entire department devoted to white wine, peeled shrimp, and giant gaudy gold watches for women.

Residents of the neighborhood were nonplussed, however, expressing doubt that a big box store like Walmart could benefit the neighborhood in the same way that the existing Home Depot could.