NEW ORLEANS, LA–A local insurance adjuster, Dirk Fendler, was brutally murdered on Wednesday when his coworkers at Insurance Mutu-Life rose up as a mob and slew him for repeatedly asking questions that he could easily answer for himself using the popular search engine Google. The practice had long been a source of contention at the offices of Insurance Mutu-Life, and coworkers who were part of the dangerous mob say things just “got out of hand.”
Those who were in the mob say Fendler would be alive today if he’d simply reached into his pleated slacks and typed his questions, verbatim, into his company-provided smartphone.
“Or he could just ask Siri, for Christ’s sake,” said Mary Cisse, 24, temporary assistant. “You don’t even have to type any more. It’s so god damn easy to find out any fact there ever was.” Cisse’s lack of remorse appears to reflect that of the rest of the staff.
“Look, no one grows up saying ‘I’d like to be part of a murderous mob someday,'” said Chelsea Oak, 34, mob participant. “But you have to understand, Dirk just would not stop. It was so annoying. We kinda snapped.”
Office manager Chet Findley helped organize some mob actions. He told reporters that the organizational skills he’s developed at work prepared him to bring as much order as possible to the chaos of mob violence.
“It was him or us,” said Findley. “We asked him over and over to just use Google from his phone and leave the rest of us in peace, but he just said ‘Where can I download Chrome for iPhone?’ God, ugh! That is so fucking easy to Google. Fuck!” Findley slammed his hands down on his desk at this point in frustration, then took several deep breaths with his eyes closed.
The Insurance Mutu-Life offices will be shuttered for an unknown amount of time while due course of law is followed, resulting in tens, if not hundreds, of thousands in lost revenue for owner Thornton Bertlarry.
“It’s worth it,” said Bertlarry, shouting as he was being hustled into a police car. “Fuck that guy!”