LAWRENCEVILLE, GA – In what Gwinnett County Police are calling a blood bath, dozens of partygoers were butchered during a late-night performance at Medieval Times. “It looks like something from a cable TV show in there,” Corporal Denton Bowles remarked. “I’ve never seen anything like it. I mean, it looks like everyone on the groom’s guest list was targeted.”
The bride’s father, Willard Fray, is being sought by police as the mastermind behind the ambush. “We have numerous witnesses who confirm that [he] gave the command that started the massacre,” reported Cpl. Bowles.
According to witness Dicky Mills, who was able to escape harm by hiding under a long table stacked with tankards of mead, the band was about halfway through a rousing rendition of the Rains of Cartersville when “the trumpeters pulled out crossbows and started mowin’ down everybody. Next thing I know, people are gettin’ stabbed with swords and knives and everybody’s screamin’. I dove under a table and prayed.”
By the time police arrived the entire arena was littered with bodies. “The scene in there will make your stomach turn,” stated Bowles. “I mean, the groom’s nephew was decapitated and someone sewed a stuffed wolf’s head onto his body. Heh.”