Mayor Unveils Plan to Add 8 New Falcons Stadiums

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I want a job just haunting the Dome. Like the Phantom of the Opera. The Dome Gnome would be my name. PHOTO: Will Bostwick

VINE CITY–In a joint press conference with Georgia World Congress Center officials and Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank, Mayor Kasim Reed yesterday announced the city’s plans for eight new stadiums for the Falcons.

“With these eight new world class stadiums Atlanta will truly become Football Town, USA,” Reed said. “We will be able to host multiple football games every night of the week. As Mayor, I will be able to attend every single one and will never have to go home and be forced to watch “Project Runway” with my girlfriend ever again.”

GWCC spokeswoman Jennifer LeMoisture then outlined the plans for all eight new stadiums. First, the city’s perpetual headache Underground Atlanta would be hollowed out and Coca Cola Underground Stadium would be the first project to break ground. Meanwhile, downtown the Sheraton, Hyatt Regency and Westin Peachtree hotels would all be demolished to make way for DragonCon Stadium. According to LeMoisture, the Con Stadium would have over 1,000 luxury suites specially appointed for furry sex. The Atlantic Station Cirque du Solei IMAX Stadium and Turner Broadcasting’s TNT “This Stadium is Full of Drama” Stadium would go up almost across the street from one another, with trolley service planned along Techwood Drive between the two.

Initial plans between the Falcons and the GWCC involved the demolition of the Georgia Dome, though now the GWCC intends to build a second domed stadium on top of the Georgia Dome, to make the World’s only current DOUBLE-DOME Stadium. An earlier double-dome in Shangzhen, China, collapsed in 2006 killing 800,000.

The last three stadiums would “probably just be plopped down on a bad neighborhood somewhere that we wanna get rid of, ” LeMoisture said. Though, there are currently negotiations taking place with the city of Decatur to build a completely organic stadium there, using only local materials.
When asked where funding for this ambitious plan would come from, Mayor Reed revealed that 80% of the cost would be covered by increased Park Atlanta revenues.

“So far we’ve been keeping these Park Atlanta maniacs in check. But once we release the hounds, so to speak, we’ll have that stadium cash in no time!” Reed said. He then gleefully rubbed his hands together and chuckled, squinting through his monocle.

Blank also has signed off on the deal and given his blessing. In a brief statement he said that any of the new eight stadiums would be “a fun, high-energy place to host our annual 1st round playoff loss.”

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