Manuel’s Tavern Will Become Red Giant, Supernova, Collapse into Black Hole Made of Bees

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Photo: Lee Coursey

ATLANTA, GA–Astrophysicists are running wild in the streets this week, tearing their clothes from their bodies and dousing themselves inexplicably in bug repellant. Their cries, when intelligible, speak of a coming doom. Beloved local bar and Democratic party cuddling locale, Manuel’s Tavern, will first shrink slightly, then swell to 200 times its size as a red giant.

In doing so, Manuel’s Tavern will consume Buddy’s gas station, the Videodrome, and the Highland Inn. It will gobble up San Franciso Coffee, Urban Outfitters, the Plaza, and on down Highland nearly to the Morningside neighborhood. On the opposing sides, Candler Park and Freedom park will both be consumed. Such is the power of the red giant that Manuel’s will become as a result of this new real estate development.

But the terror for Manuel’s regulars and the city does not stop there. No. Manuel’s will dazzle the galaxy for millennia by becoming a supernova. Tendrils of superheated gas will extend gracefully, possibly as far as Cartersville or one of those wacky north Georgia towns that actually gets snow when Atlanta’s news is reporting snow.

Finally, and to the ultimate devastation of Atlanta, Manuel’s Tavern will collapse inward under its own inestimable power. It will form a singularity whose attraction will be such that not even light or a very fast fixed gear bike can escape. Also, this singularity will be comprised of extremely aggressive and ill-tempered bees.

All who fall into Manuel’s relativity bending gravity will then be stung by the bees. No ointment or homeopathic remedy will be supplied.

Such is the power of the real estate deal involving Manuel’s Tavern.