ATLANTA, GA–Against all reason, local insurance adjuster Bud Preeds is proud of his Facebook “Look Back” movie, even though it clearly depicts the aimless, empty life of a complete douche. Preeds joined Facebook in the great MySpace exodus of 2008, and has, in that time, posted almost nothing of substance whatsoever.
“My most-liked post is that one where I repeated a joke I read on Reddit,” said Preeds. “Everyone thought I might have made it up myself.”
Preeds is also somehow proud of his many photos of himself with single women, despite the facts that, firstly, the women nearly always look profoundly uncomfortable, and secondly, Preeds is an inveterate hover-hander.
“Hover-handing is when a man takes a photo with his arm around someone, but he’s clearly too uncomfortable socially to place his hand on the other person’s body, so he just lets it hover awkwardly in the air,” said behavioral psychologist Dr. Laird Easman, PhD. “The person can feel that awkward hand just hanging there, and it intensifies any discomfort they’d otherwise have felt by orders of magnitude.”
Preeds is known to favor shirts with writing or drawing on them, and wears his hair so spiky that it appears to be trying to escape his head.
When shown a photo from Preeds’ Facebook Look Back movie, Dr. Easman said “Oh my sweet Lord, what a douche.” He also confirmed Preeds’ textbook hover-handing.
For his part, Preeds remains unruffled. “I just keep on keepin’ on, sweet tits” he said.