MIDTOWN — A local online dater was relieved to discover that an ostensibly religious new female companion will indeed put out. Midtown resident Edward Hardy, 26, was initially concerned about overt religious references in the young lady’s Match.com profile.
“So I was surfing Match looking for some promising chicks to wink at, when Ashley* caught my eye,” Hardy explained. “She was smoking hot…but when I clicked on her profile, there were bible quotes everywhere and it said ‘Christian – Protestant’ under the religion heading. I mean, I’m Catholic, I guess…but I don’t go to church. I didn’t know if I could date a hardcore Jesus chick.”
For their first date, Mr. Hardy met Ashley for happy hour at Steamhouse Lounge. His first impression did nothing to comfort him, as she was conservatively dressed, having just come from her office manager job. “No cleavage at all,” lamented Hardy, “and a cross on her necklace. With that jacket on, I couldn’t even tell how big they were.”
Yet Mr. Hardy was still intrigued. After an hour-long conversation, the two agreed to meet again the following weekend. “She talked a lot about her church group and fellowship and blah blah blah,” he stated, “and I was really afraid that she was one of those ‘wait until I’m married’ girls. But damn, she was sexy. In a librarian sort of way.”
On the second date, however, Mr. Hardy’s concerns were quickly assuaged. “We had drinks at Dark Horse, and she had at least three red-headed sluts by herself,” he continued. “She knew someone at the Warren, so we decided to go up and dance. We hadn’t been up there ten minutes before she reached down and jostled the Apostle, if you catch my meaning.”
Seizing both the moment and a jacket to conceal his sudden visible enthusiasm for her groping, Mr. Hardy and Ashley quickly left the bar. Once they arrived at her nearby Midtown apartment, all semblance of restraint and decorum went out the window, in addition to Edward’s underwear. “It was amazing,” an exhausted Hardy beamed. “You’d think the Second Coming was awesome enough, but the third? Two hours ago I was worried she was a prude, but I’m pretty sure she’s the Whore of Babylon. I’m icing my balls and praying for mercy.”
The evening wasn’t completely perfect, however. “Don’t tell her I forgot her name,” he pleaded, his arm lashed to the bed with what appeared to be the tattered remnants of a Sunday dress. “I had to wing it all night until I saw it embossed on the cover of this Children’s Illustrated Bible on her nightstand.”
*As far as you know, “Ashley” isn’t Ashley’s real name.