Man on MARTA Unveils 5-Year Plan to Borrow Your Cell Phone

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Hey, is that a cell phone? Yes it is. Don't lie. PHOTO: Matt K

Look, I know we only just met — and I realize that when I say we “just met” what I mean is I only just slunk over here in as creepy a manner as possible — but I would love it if you’d take a look at this slide deck I have drawn these plastic Target bags with a Sharpie. I have a very important call to make.

As you can see, my projections indicate that over the next five fiscal years you will undoubtedly let me borrow your cell phone at least once. I will then use it to place a call to someone who is almost certainly a murderer, then speak unintelligibly to that person. It is a call that simply must be made.

Excuse me for using my fist on the seat just then to make my point. I do not want to spare any emphasis here.

The only potentially damaging flaw in my plan, at least, that I can forsee, would perhaps be that almost no one rides MARTA for five years. Here’s hoping you are that person, because I have an important call to make in that time.

I must make this call. Please don’t buy a car. Stay on MARTA. This is important.