Local Dog Owner Struggling with Off-Leash Addiction

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I just can't stop. Help me! PHOTO: Djimrko

PIEDMONT PARK–Dog owner Mitchell Pratz, 28, has a crippling addiction. Try as he might, he cannot seem to stop himself letting his dog, Mr. Cupcake, off his leash in inappropriate circumstances. Pratz says that the addiction started innocuously enough, but has grown over the three years of Mr. Cupcake’s life.

“At first it was really cute, he was a puppy, you know? Everyone loved being around him,” said Pratz. “But now he’s grown up. He sniffs, humps, and pees. Still, somehow I just can’t stop letting him off his leash.”

Pratz says he visits Piedmont Park or Stone Mountain Park as much as he can, but will occasionally let Mr. Cupcake run around off leash in a smaller park if he is pressed for time.

“I feel horrible every time he annoys someone. I apologize to people constantly, but I never put him back on his leash. As much as it shames me to say this, I just… I, well.. annoying the shit out of people just means too much to me.” Pratz said, breaking down into sobs.

Veterinarian and canine behavioral expert Dr. Art Barksworth says he has seen this many times before.

“We refer to this condition as Partially Recognized Irrritating Canine Knowledge Syndrome. Owners seem to be aware on some level that they are annoying people with their off-leash animals, but fail to give a shit.” said the doctor. His clinic offers a six week treatment program.

Pratz, however, says he’s not ready to seek treatment.

“I’ve admitted I have a problem. That’s enough for now. I just don’t know how I would live my life without walking behind my dog as he acts like a furry little asshole to everyone. I get a real charge out of calling his name over and over and shouting to him as if he suddenly speaks English.”

8 COMMENTS

  1. Well if he runs up to my leashed dog, my dog is going to bite his head off. You really should take better care of him. It’s not that hard to hold onto a leash!

  2. Seriously, this guy wants us to feel bad because he can’t seem to leash his dog? Leashes are for the protection of the dog. His dog, my dog… any dog. If My dog is off leash he is in danger, danger from anything from other dogs to busy roads. being irresponsible seems to be the matter at hand. That’s wonderful that he just refuses to care about the law, other people and dogs comfort zones.. or anything else for that matter. Good luck to him.. he will need it when something happens that he can’t laugh off or take back

  3. that’s not an addiction, it’s stupidity!
    One day your dog will bite someone and you will have a euthanasia order then you won’t be so happy that you were an asshole!

  4. Y’all, calm down. I think this is meant to be humorous, not serious. We all know the dangers (and aggravations!) that off-leash dogs pose. Let’s not lose our sense of humor too.

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