I May Be a Shitty Driver, But I am Great On the Phone

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What's that? I couldn't hear you just then. I was smashing into something. PHOTO: tonystl

Sorry, what was that? Oh em gee. I couldn’t hear you just then. There was a smashing noise and a scrape and then someone screaming. Oh my god, shut up, whoever you are. Can’t you see I am on the phone?

It’s a good thing I bought this big car. What? Oh god no, I don’t ever need the space, I just want to feel safe while I talk on the phone. I am amaaaaaaazing on the phone.

People can say whatever they want about my drinking, or that I go out too much, or that I have crashed more times than the stock market, but everyone knows I am literally awesomely amazing on the phone. Now what was I saying? Oh yes.

Wait, no I lost it. Hey, listen, I have to go, I’m at the spray tan place. Me? Oh no, not for me. For the kids. They need a little color. They’re literally as white as envelopes. So hilar. Okay, talk later! Bye!