I Am Worried that DOMA Strikedown Means Extramarital Affairs Will Soon Be Frowned Upon

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This is the White House. It's also a white house. Wait, that's not right.

Listen. I am your duly elected legislator and I demand to be heard. I know that gay marriage is totally cool now. The kids are for it. That’s what’s “going down” in the “streets,” if you’ll forgive our mode of speech. I’m cool with that.

I just want to make sure that it’s still cool if I get a little bit of action on the side. Nothing serious, of course. I’m not divorcing my wife or anything. I’m a Christian, after all.

I’m concerned that all of this taking-a-hard-look-at-what-it-really-means-legally-to-be-wed-to-another-human-being stuff might shed a little too much light on what I’m actually up to when I’m working late with my “staff,” if you get my meaning.

When I got married, I was no one. Over the years I’ve risen in the political ranks and made a heap of money. Some of that money was even legally gained. Now I’m a sexual commodity. You can’t expect me to honor vows I spoke when I was a peon. I’m someone now!

Anyway, I’m just throwing that out there. Congrats to everyone who can now finally be happy with someone they truly love and all that. Just let’s not get carried away is all I’m saying.