How to Make Sure Millennial Employees Know they Can Go Straight to Hell

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PHOTO: ITU Pictures

Millennials want real-time services and solutions. HR departments that fail to let these entitled idiots know they can go straight to hell will face high non-millennial employee attrition rates with a side of cognitive dissonance.

Don’t cave to millennials’ bullshit web site petition campaigns or hash tag activism. Let them know they can go straight to hell with these simple ideas.

Millennials Refuse to Accept the Status Quo. Remind Them That No One Forced Them to Apply to Work for the Status Quo

No one forced you to email your resume to us, Bree. No one forced you to put on a winning smile and fudge your way through the hiring process. Now you’re hired and all of a sudden we’re all crazy people doing things the wrong way?

The status quo pays all our bills. You can hate on it until the cows come home but without the status quo they’d be coming home to an empty office.

Take the elevator up to the second floor, go down the hall until you see the bathrooms on the left, step into the conference room, and go to Hell.

Some Millennials think their college degree means something. Set them straight.

Guess who else has a college degree, Cody? Everyone. Everyone here has at least one. And, thanks to tens of millions of new graduates each year, the value of any given degree is plummeting alongside the value of your Prius.

Do you know how many people here say they’ve earned degrees that they haven’t actually earned? We don’t either. No one checks.

But you can console yourself by looking on your wall at home, and seeing that nicely framed diploma. If you look in the right light you can see the sparsely-bearded reflection of someone who can go to Hell.

Give Them Millennial-ish But Also Demeaning Titles

Millennials love calling themselves “guru” or “czar” of stuff, even if they’ve only known about whatever it is for a year. If you’ve hired a Millennial in your mail room, let him or her know that they can go to hell with a conflicting title like “Entry Level Guru.”

What was that, Entry Level Guru? Our web site needs work? Good to know. Send an email to Jeff over in IT and then follow up with a meeting reminder to go to hell.