Hawks Hire New Coa- Oh Fuck It, Nobody Cares

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This is a hoop, I think. Right? Yeah. PHOTO: acidpix

ATLANTA–The Atlanta Hawks hired a new coach last Tuesday, but we really don’t know if anyone cares. So we’re not even sure why we’re posting this article. That’s why we’re a week late with the story: we just don’t give enough of a shit about submitting it on time. Seriously, how many people in Atlanta actually watched the Hawks suck again this year?

In the playoffs, they lost to a team from Indiana. That’s right, Indiana: a place so boring that it makes North Dakota seem fun.

The Indiana-Atlanta series marked the first time in NBA history that the games were streaming entirely on YouTube, because nobody wanted to invest three whole minutes finding it on television. Old episodes of Roseanne would’ve gotten higher ratings.

Although the new coach, Mike… Somebody, or Something. Who cares — had a somewhat compelling introductory press conference (compelling for the Hawks, we mean, which is like saying a lecture on chalk is compelling).

“I’m excited to continue the mediocrity,” said coach Westillhaven’tcaredenoughtoGooglehislastname. “The Hawks have have a proud tradition of being irrelevant throughout the season, and then becoming just relevant enough to appear for two seconds on SportsCenter before the show goes onto something more interesting, like highlights of women’s college softball.”

A media member asked the coach if he has any ideas on how to lift the Hawks out of the “mire of mediocrity.”

“Yes,” coach Whoever said. “Maybe change the name to the Atlanta Whogivesashits.”

The room fell into a stunned silence. Actually, it was already silent. Because there were only three people there, and two of them were asleep. The other guy was playing Words With Friends on his cellphone. We watched the press conference online. Well, we told an intern to watch it and said we’d waterboard him if he didn’t. He opted for waterboarding. So we just took quotes from some other sports site.

“I mean, really,” the coach said. “Is anyone actually recording this? Is anyone going to… actually, nevermind. I’m done. Even I don’t even care what I’m talking about.”