Group Calls for Stone Mountain to Be Polished to Inoffensive Dull Shine

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Artist's conception.

STONE MOUNTAIN, GA–The privately owned Stone Mountain Park is reeling this week amid an activist group’s calls to polish the entire mountain’s surface to an inoffensive shine. Experts say the process could take up to twenty years, and, if begun, could cost taxpayers as much as a billion dollars.

“History is all fine and well for those who lived it,” said Paul Sconds, director of the activist group calling for Stone Mountain’s polishing. “But monuments like this one stop our children from living that history again for themselves. They must be torn down, or sanded away.”

Sconds says he hopes to gain the support of voters by pointing out that he doesn’t approve of “tax dollars” going to the privately-held, self-sufficient park, thus giving momentum to a possible referendum.

But Nate Forrest, spokesman for the private company that owns and operates the park, says that, outside of any particulars of the park’s ownership and operation, he’s not sure that’s how representative government works.

“It’s a slippery slope,” said Forrest.