Google Fiber to Possibly Relieve Atlanta’s Comcastipation

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ATLANTA, GA–Technology megabeast Google announced this week that Atlanta is on their list for possible expansion of their fiber network (reported here by our friends at the AJC). The move would bring high speed data movement to Atlanta, which currently experiences massive blockage, or, “Comcastipation.”

The symptoms which comprise Comcastipation include, but are not limited to:

  • Exhorbitant fees
  • Disregard for customers
  • Ridiculous channel bundling
  • Data caps for services that compete with Comcast
  • Customer Service reps who are either completely apathetic or outright hostile

“Let’s face it, Atlanta hasn’t had a good data movement … well, ever, really,” said Paige Brinn, Google spokesperson. “We’d like to use our fiber to bust up that Comcastipation and get things moving properly again.”

The higher internet speeds would be a boon to customers of streaming movie provider Netflix, online gamers, and local masturbators.

Avid masturbator Wayne Kinlots, 41, hopes Google comes to town sooner rather than later. “This would really help me download the perverse, revolting smut with which I attempt to fill the emptiness in my life,” said Kinlots. “I want to see every single tentacle in HD.”

Comcast representatives vowed to release a statement sometime between noon and whenever they’re done eating a hot dog.