Hello, ladies. I am pleased to reach out to you on this momentous day. I have great news. Trendsetting design powerhouse Apple has announced a new watch, and it is going to take my dick pic game to a completely new level for you.
I have always done what I do — taking photographs my erect penis from a variety of angles — for you and women like you. I can only imagine that Apple had people us in mind when it created their new watch.
No longer will you be surprised and delighted by an image of my boner when you check your phone to see if your Mom called. Now it will appear instantly on your wrist. You can admire it discreetly as though merely checking the time, or share it with your hottest friends.
Please, no dudes. I’m an artist, and thus, within my rights to restrict my work to the audience of my choice. That being: hot babes. Special dispensation possibly made for exceptionally hot dudes, but you have to text me back. Are you there?
All you have to do is:
– Get an Apple Watch
– Don’t block my number (like you’ve threatened to)
– Don’t get a restraining order (like your husband said)
I am investigating the possibility of having some software designers in developing nations write an Apple Watch app that uses images of my dong to tell the time. Only problem is they need a short one for the hour hand and a long one for the minute hand and I only have one length of dong. But these are logistical matters. You need not concern yourself.
Just know that I and my dick are innovating.
Look, I ask for nothing in return for my work, except that you allow me to perform at minimum off-putting and at worst frightening sexual acts in person. So, do yourself a favor. Get an Apple Watch.
You’ll thank me.