WASHINGTON, DC — Presidential candidate and enormous baby impersonator Newt Gingrich scolded the Atlanta Public School System today during a campaign speech. The APS is under fire for altering kids’ tests in order to qualify for Federal grants, and to make it seem like they were doing their jobs.
“Atlanta Public Schools clearly has no idea how to properly cheat.
First, you cheat. Then, you ask permission to cheat. When that permission is denied, you continue cheating anyway. When your cheating is discovered, you deny that it was cheating, and blame the whole thing on secret liberal ninjas.
Frankly, I’m embarrassed to claim to be from Georgia.”
The admonishment caught Atlanta Public Schools spokeswoman Maria Charles by surprise. Responding on behalf of her organization, which is accused of holding “cheating parties” to alter students’ tests, Ms. Charles replied in a press release:
“The APS cautions the esteemed Mr. Gingrich not to direct any ill will he may have toward the player, but instead to harbor misgivings about the game.
Besides, it’s clear that we’re equipping our kids for politics, if nothing else.”
Mr. Gingrich’s offices declined to respond as of press time, but an unconfirmed source inside his campaign reports that his motivations were political.
Speaking in code to The Atlanta Banana via encrypted email, our source commented, “Huge Creepy Baby thinks that if APS wants to play in the big leagues, they’ll come up with new and inventive cheating methods…or at least cheat on tests that have multiple sclerosis or cancer. ‘Fucking amateurs,’ he calls them.”
Our source added that Mr. Gingrich is likely to leave Georgia in the wake of the scandal for a “younger, prettier state.”