Georgia Tech Scientists Invent Hater-Powered Time Machine

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Two Georgia Tech scientists discussing breasts. PHOTO: Classic media

NORTH AVE–Georgia Institute of Technology scientists have announced a breakthrough in time travel today with the unveiling of their new Hateback Machine. The machine, the scientists claim, is powered by a mixture of human jealousy, contempt, and gossip.

“We do not fully understand the technology at this time,” announced Professor P. Bodae, lead scientist, “but we do know that this machine allows anyone to hate on anyone at any point in history. Until now, public figures were safe from the barbs of less successful people upon their deaths, but no longer.”

Test subjects are allowed to choose the target they’d like to hate on during experiments. They use a series of dials mounted into the Hateback Machine’s side to choose their destination in history.

“We thought that Hitler would be a popular choice,” revealed graduate student Sherm Ayn, “You know, people going back in time to give Hitler a piece of their minds, let him know the future thinks he’s a real dick, or Pol Pot perhaps, Saddam Hussein maybe even.”

The team’s experiments show, however, that the test haters whose emotions power the machine are only interested in bringing down people who were apparently happy and living enjoyable lives.

“Lots of people want to hate on John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Sinatra, Elvis, but also more recent figures such as Notorious B.I.G. and Michael Jackson,” shrugged Ayn.

The team’s original plans were to run a year-long trial with the Hateback Machine, but people from the future keep popping into existence and calling everyone rude names.

“We’re probably going to have to turn it off,” sighed Bodae. “I’m getting sick of being called an asshole by the test subjects from next week.”

As of these results, the team has scrapped plans to build a second version of the machine powered by feelings of lust.