Georgia Satanists Turn Out in Support of Religious Freedom Bill

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PHOTO: Earvin Corona

ATLANTA–In a rare show of accord with ultra-Christian counterparts, Georgia Satanic Church faithful turned out en masse yesterday to help support a “Religious Freedom” bill currently making news in the wake of the termination of Atlanta’s Fire Chief.

The bill was introduced by Rep. Sam Teasley, who believes his rights come from God, but presumably is willing to cash checks from the state. If passed, the bill would protect religious beliefs from intervention on the part of the government, a protection which local devil worshippers say would be a great boon.

“If I had a dollar for every time my landlady called the cops on me for sacrificing a chicken… well, I’d have two dollars,” said Bartholemew Snead, Georgia Satanist Temple Youth Director. “Still, that’s two too many. Chickens ain’t cheap, and forget about the cost of a live goat.”

But ultra Christians say the Satanists have it all wrong.

“Satanists? What? Hell no!” said Earnest Bucklesworth, preacher and religious advocate. “This bill is about keeping the gays from loving one another in accordance with our Christian beliefs. Not about chickens or goats. Don’t be ridiculous.”

But Bucklesworth went on to admit that the bill could create some paradoxes. “There’s a small loophole if the gays happen to be neighbors, because Jesus did say ‘love thy neighbor’ but, you know, otherwise we’re against it. We’re against most of Midtown.”