Gas Stations Selflessly Raise Prices to Appease Angry Weather God

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Uranus passive-aggresively ignores Gaia, who was being kind of a bitch just then. PHOTO: Bibi Saint-Pol

ATLANTA–With Isaac hovering offshore, Atlanta gas stations are raising prices in hopes of appeasing Uranus, the angry weather god responsible for rain, hail and high winds. Though meteorologists agree that paying more for gasoline has no bearing whatsoever on the severity of a storm, filling station owners insist that the price hikes are necessary.

“We don’t like charging more for gas any more than you do,” said Price Gouj, owner of a Peachtree street filling station. “We do it in hopes of appeasing the mighty weather god in accordance with our religious beliefs.”

Gouj revealed that all gas station owners must swear fealty to Uranus upon assuming control of the price their location charges for a gallon of gas, which obligates them to abide by a complex set of rules and to participate in certain ceremonial practices.

“Look, if it were up to us, we’d still be charging a buck a gallon,” said Gouj. “But with hurricane Isaac moping around the Gulf, we’ve got to abide by the rituals that appease Uranus.”

According to gas station mythology, Uranus causes storms because he feasts on the misery of human beings. When gas stations raise prices, they very, very slightly increase the misery of a great number of every day Atlanta citizens, spreading the unhappiness over a larger number of people.

They hope this will be an increase which will please Uranus just enough to back off on the much greater misery a storm like Isaac might bring.

“We do the same thing with cigarettes and booze,” said Gouj. “You’re welcome.”