GA400 Toll Ends, Influx of Alpharettans Angers City’s Homeless

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Get off our sidewalks you filthy rich folk!

ATLANTA–The city of Atlanta’s home-challenged urban men and women are angry today at the sudden influx of Alpharetta residents thanks to the end of GA400’s $.50 toll. The homeless say the Alpharettan doctors, dentists, and lawyers are hurting the city’s image by driving nice cars around the city’s rougher neighborhoods.

The homeless also take issue with the fact that Alpharettans usually have all their teeth. Some say no human really needs that much chewing power.

A man known only as Punkin, who claims no known address and insisted his name be spelled “Punkin,” spoke out on the matter this morning. “I say bring back the toll and make it a dollar. Keep their dang old Mercedes and BMWs up where they belong instead of cluttering up our alleyways.”

Punkin then broke off the interview to scream at a passing SUV “Go back where you belong, home owning filth!”

“Probably has health insurance too,” said Punkin, who then spat on the sidewalk.

For their part, the Alpharettans say they’re just exploring the city.

“This is amazing,” said Todd Upstuck, gazing out over Mechanicsville from the driver’s seat of his Maserati. “I haven’t seen a Starbucks in like 15 minutes.”