“We done drove six hours to get here on Saturday,” Zeke explained, “And we was all set to bring our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to all them whores, sodomites, heathens, sodomites, queers, Democrats, sluts, and sodomites. Debbie here wanted to see her first black person.”
When it was pointed out that Zeke mentioned “sodomites” multiple times, he retorted, “Well, there sure are a lot of ‘em ’round here.”
The Goodbottoms stayed in their ’97 Dodge Caravan overnight. When Sunday dawned, the Goodbottoms took to the streets again, preaching their message of love and tolerance, occasionally throwing empty Mountain Dew bottles at the sodomites.
“This place was just full of sinnin’,” Ruth stated. “We had to find us a church to get right with the Lord, and fast. Luckily the whores and heathens, for all their errant ungodly ways, told us we should go to a place called ‘Sister Louisa’s Church’ about eight o’clock. They was laughin’, but I just thought they was beginnin’ to see the light.”
Arriving at the popular Edgewood Avenue establishment, the Goodbottoms immediately knew something was awry. “I seen me a buncha pictures of Jesus,” drawled young Luke, 12, “but they had all kinds of writin’ on ‘em…not like in church back home. Momma covered my eyes and thanked Jesus that she never learnt me to read.”
“The full name of this Satan’s den was ‘Sister Louisa’s Church of the Living Room and Ping-Pong Emporium,’” a near-apoplectic Zeke fumed. “Now, I been to seven Churches of the Living Word, and three Churches of the Living Blood, but I ain’t never heard of a Church of the Living ROOM. And ping-pong? That gay commie sport’s worse than slow dancin’ at prom!”
After their Jesus-sense detected the presence of alcohol and cigarette smoke, the family could take no more. Zeke and Ruth grabbed their children, including Matthew, 15, who had just struck up a conversation with a well-groomed bar patron after admiring his shoes, and hastily made their exit.
“If this is what passes for church in the big city,” spat Ruth, “we ain’t never leavin’ Tennessee again.”
UPDATE @ 4:30 PM: Debbie Goodbottom did indeed see her first black person.
UPDATE @ 4:45 PM: Holy shit, there’s actually a Bugscuffle, TN.