Five Bullshit Business Tips I Whipped Right Out of my Ass

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2035
This machine does business. PHOTO: Gnangarra

I want to make money, and I plan to do it through business. You know what I mean when I used the term “business?” I’m talking buy low, sell high. I’m talking retweeting Seth Godin. I’m talking business.

Get on the business train with me by ingesting these ten tips I whipped right out of my leg join.

1. Encourage your employees to give a shit – I can’t stress this enough. That assneck Brandon doesn’t care about his job at all. He works in the warehouse, though, so it’s okay. I tried encouraging him earlier but he said he’s been working here longer than I’ve been wearing big boy underwear. I don’t even know what difference that makes. I have read parts of all of Seth Godin’s books. Has he? Doubt it.

2. Interrupt people as much as possible – There’s nothing more important in business than asserting your dominance over other people. Whatever you’ve just thought of is way, WAY more important than letting Jimmy from the Muskogee plant finish his stupid story anyways. That guy drinks white wine. Fuck him a million times.

3. Spend a lot of time at the lake – At home people expect you to drink like six or twelve beers maximum. I haven’t been able to get a buzz drinking like that since I was 14. But as soon as you get near the lake you can chug coldies at a normal rate and no one bats an eye. It’s therapy without therapy.

4. Wearing bifocal glasses can keep you from eyeballing cleavage, plus makes you look smart – I got this pair at Walgreen’s. I keep them in my shirt pocket and I pop them on my face whenever Deborah is walking around with her trap set. Yeah, breasts are a trap. Woman act all innocent but as soon as you cop a feel of what they’re putting out there they go and tell on you to your wife, your boss, everyone. Better to just slip on the bifocals and be none the wiser.

5. Eat out every day – You need calories, and restaurants have calories. Better than that, they have beer. Just try cracking a coldie that you brought with your brown bag lunch in the break room. Everyone will flip their shit. But you can go out to lunch at Spennigan’s and have a Sam Adams right in front of the boss and it’s totally cool.