FIFA Corruption Finally Makes Soccer Relatable to Americans

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ATLANTA, GA–A scandal involving fourteen Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) officials has finally brought understanding of the game of football — or “soccer,” as it is known in the U.S. — to American households.

“I never really understood the game,” said Randy Butternub, equestrian plumber, 46. “Even though I and everyone I know played it for years as a kid. I like good old American football, you know? The kind I never played once in my life.”

But now that the scandal has broken, Butternub says his awareness is officially raised.

“Now that I know the sport is rigged from the top, and multinational corporate interests are driving everything with zero hope of reform, I can totally relate,” he said. “Really makes me want to see what all this soccer stuff is about.”

Butternub said he just wished it were possible to live in a country that was run like FIFA runs soccer, with bribery and corruption at the root of every decision.

“What a utopia that would be,” he said.