It is not necessary to email the editor to say that this is London’s wheel, the London Eye. We know already. Thank you. PHOTO: Diliff

Currently, downtown panhandlers are forced to approach potential change givers wherever they can be found, typically on sidewalks, in parking decks, or at gas stations. The wheel will allow panhandlers to form an orderly line at right angles to the passenger gondolas. In this way, tourists can be easily and sequentially annoyed to the point of never visiting Atlanta again.

“This is a great leap forward for our Metallic Currency Associates,” said Art Fuldojer, Director of the League of Home-Challenged Urban Gentleman. “We can’t wait to get started.”

Fuldojer also stated that his car had broken down and he just needed a few dollars to get some medicine for his sick grandmother so she could drive him to his daughter’s graduation before they all three die in one week from acute inoperable neck measles.

Giant column of prayers somehow fails once again to touch down. PHOTO: koschi

“Oh yeah it’s definitely there. I added a couple prayers to it myself,” confirmed Cary Less, speaking from an aging recliner in Acworth. “I posted on Facebook that I prayed too, so, you know. That’s evidence.”

Chay Fesler, 39, of Jonesboro, said “I tweeted about praying about that first around here, so I deserve the retweets and faves. Shows people care.”

Meteorologist Dr. Claude Eskigh, however, has said that his instruments have never picked up no such formation over the city despite their reported formation during tragedies, major sporting events, and popular television shows.

“While anyone can appreciate the outpouring of empathy, it’s demonstrably more effective to outpour resources such as money,” he said.

The Atlanta Banana has donated funds that otherwise would have been used to pay its writers to The Red Cross.

Sure, it’s ugly, but it could be lots uglier. PHOTO: Georgia DMV

ATLANTA–Having given the general public the option of voting on a newer, uglier license plate, Georgia DMV officials announced today that they are disappointed that the finished product didn’t turn out as ugly as anticipated.

“Don’t misunderstand me, the new plates are hideous, but not the utter shit bomb we were hoping for,” said DMV spokesman, Cracker T. Buford.

Buford also went on to state that he was pleased at the progress made from the recent vote citing that, “our citizens banded together with no discernible eye for even the most basic ideas in taste to select a design that, at least on paper, was an abomination of finger painting and Windows 95 clipart.”

What started out as long, drawn out and aimless process years ago is once again at a crossroads on where to proceed next. First attempts in the mid 00’s to remove all shreds of class from the ass end of our motor vehicles were met with tepid responses.

“Sure, it was brown and had a website on top, but I didn’t feel it had the wow factor of something like two naked octogenarians draped in the Stars and Bars,” said concerned citizen Jazz Gushworthy. “You would have thought the folks had the foresight to add actually poop stains to the license plates instead of the half assed effort the good folks at prison stamped out.”

After wiping the slate clean with the next iteration, citizens gradually gained more freedom in choosing their own crappy emblem to be displayed on their plates. Now Georgians can choose from over 58,000 different NCAA college logos, 41,000 non-profit organizations, 22,000 corporate logos and 11.1 million hate group emblems for their plates.

When asked for a comment on what the DMV plans to unveil next, Buford responded, “We’re thinking of switching from metal to cardboard plates and eliminating letters and numbers all together in favor of the phrase ‘Tag Applied for’ on every vehicle. This would provide tremendous cost savings as well as bring our state into a new golden era for unmitigated license plate disasters.”

The Dome will soon be replaced by a cheese sandwich. The Dairy Farmer lobby paid us to write that. PHOTO: Dreman1731

“Metal plates are the duct tape of civil engineering, and I love duct tape too,” explained Derrick Feztworth, Platimus Prime construction lead. “In fact, in my spare time, I enjoy fashioning articles of clothing out of duct tape. Socks, for instance. Also my underpants.”

As of press time, Fetzworth was asked if he could please fasten his pants and stick to the metal plates story.

“Oh. That’s pretty much it,” he concluded.

The Dome-covering plate will be nearly ten acres in size and up to a foot thick in places, weighing, according to Fetzworth, “a lot” of tons.

We gotta get these strippers out of here! Now help me put the bumper back on my car. PHOTO: Ed Schipul

Speaking from the Council’s car, which was weaving erratically in the incorrect lane of travel, Councilwoman Helga Styles slurred the following comment:

Have you guys… seriously. Wait. Guys. Have you ever? Buh. Where’s Jessica? JESSICA! There you are. Hurgh. Oh fuck itsa cops!

Councilman Herbert Wilmington, speaking from a prone position in the back seat added:

Cobs!

The Council declined further comment until after its DUI arrest and subsequent release from jail on bond.

Celebrities are people too, just much better looking and far more wealthy. PHOTO: k1ng

What’s In It For Us, The Schlubs: Social Media Relevance

If you bother a celebrity, you are guaranteed way more Facebook likes and retweets than your usual statuses get. Even better, it means a lot less responsibility than the normal means of accruing praise. No longer is it necessary to get married, adopt a dog, or finish your first 5k.

Remember that person you wish you could someday get with? Remember that person you used to get with but they wised up and left? A photo of you and the right famous person could get you a “like” or “favorite” from both of those people. Maybe even a retweet, if they still follow you. Love is in the air, folks!

How To Find Celebs to Bother

The good news is that many of the same places celebs go allow the unwashed masses inside as well. Don’t bother putting on your nicest cargo shorts and heading out to some fancy restaurant, though. No way!

First of all, figure out where the production is taking place. This will be easy because everyone who lives or works nearby will upload distant photos of the site. Simply go hang around in bars near there and wait for your ticket to FB fame to come strolling in.

Failing that, think of a place that a production assistant on a movie shoot would describe as “quintessentially” Atlanta. You know, places like the Varsity, the Clermont Lounge, or the Clermont Lounge (listed twice because it is just that “quintessential”). Then go there and wait. Sooner or later someone famous is bound to show up, just asking to be bothered. Success!

Conclusion

Don’t forget: famous people owe you because you have seen their faces often. That’s how that works. Don’t be afraid to walk up to them and make them wish they’d never visited our city!

This horse has more twitter followers than I do. PHOTO: Roxanne Ready

“Be not mistaken: should a bootless, milk-livered craven seek to disrupt our revelries, he shall be straightway dispatched!” proclaimed Wes Buchanan, a 32-year old man who still lives with his parents and, somehow, still works at Blockbuster. “While we noble sirs do guard these grounds, no maiden fair nor suckling babe need fear the caprice of a desperate man.”

Buchanan, who answers to “the noble Sir Wesley of the Dunwoody Way” at the Festival, and  to “Dilawyr Valeroy” when playing World of Warcraft, described the increased security measures in detail:

“No turret shall go unmanned, no entrance unpatrolled! At every gateway be there knights of the highest order, sworn to show no mercy to spineless curs who would shed guiltless blood.”

Completely unprompted, he went on, offering this challenge to potential trouble-makers:

“What, ho, beef-witted night-brawlers? Thou corn-cobbed canker-blossoms? Dost thou think that thou art quicker than mine broadsword? Canst thou fly faster than my arrow’s arc? Art thou made of stronger stuff than the steel of my dagger, the spiked ball of my mace? Art thou brazen enough to tempt the valiant yet barbarous order of the king? I pray thee come, and test the aim of my bow!”

After continuing like this for another 30 minutes, Buchanan quietly added that an increased presence of plainclothes policemen “shall patrol the fair at length, as well.”

Hey they’re coming back this way again with the squeaky shoes. PHOTO: Joshua S. Kelly

After well over a century of pretty much just running around for no reason at all while drunk people yell at one another, American team sports have managed to finally do something interesting. Jason Collins, an American sports player of the basketball variety, has come out of the closet as a proud gay man, a move which will hopefully help to advance acceptance of gays the world over.

“I just can’t believe it,” said Stew Bach, plumber. “All these years of farting around on hardwood floors with the squeakiest shoes money can buy and those basketball guys finally get around to actually doing something for humanity as a whole.”

Other major American team sports varieties, most notably American football and baseball, have yet to produce an out gay player, but they definitely should.

Gonna burn your ass so bad. Get ready, bitches! PHOTO: NASA

What’s up, dipshits? Just wanted to let you all know that you might be enjoying Spring weather right now, but your old pal Sol is gonna burn your fleshy Atlanta asses to a crisp in just a few short weeks. Oh man, I cannot wait.

Let me just tell you. My favorite thing is listening to all this global warming and climate change jibber jabber. One degree more or less ain’t shit to me. I’m gonna supernova one day and swallow your whole spot right up anyways. Just try to air condition your way out of that, fuckers!

The house always wins, and I am the ultimate house around these parts. The world absolutely does revolve around me. In fact, all of them do.

Radiating energy is my business, y’all, and business is good, especially when you Earth fools trap and magnify my heat with your dumb atmosphere. Venus does it too and I fucking love it. I wish Mercury and Mars would up their greenhouse game, but one’s too close and the other’s too far away. Oh well. Couple of punks, those guys.

There’s still you, Earth, and specifically you, Atlanta. I’m coming. Get out your sun hats and shit because I am radiating like a motherfucker over here.

Wait, was that one an affidavit? I said no lawyers! PHOTO: Tony Shek

Sure, she may have pulled the old do-you-know-who-I-am act, which doesn’t exactly top our list of most classy things ever said, but the real story here — the one that everyone seems to be missing — is that a wife and mother stood by her man.

Sure, she had a few drinks, and of course it is smart, not to mention polite, to respect the hardworking men and women of the Atlanta PD, but on the other hand, cops are not gods. We should not be afraid to call them out if we feel they are arresting someone in error.

That said, Mr. Toth’s actions are indefensible. He got behind the wheel of a car while drunk and that is not to be condoned in any circumstance. He deserves to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and will no doubt be the beneficiary of premium legal counsel during that process.

Ms. Witherspoon, on the other hand, saw her husband and the father of her young child being arrested. She mouthed off until she got arrested too. That’s loyalty right there, folks, and if there’s anything the modern relationship needs more of it’s loyalty.

Don’t drive drunk. Ever. Don’t even think about it. Ask yourself, though, Atlanta: do you want a partner in life who is always right, or always loyal?