FDA Finds 100% of U.S. Tuna Fish Production Unsafe for Tuna Fish

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These fish are not sleeping. PHOTO: marcovdz

Hey, tuna fish of all species, it’s us, the F.D.A., rappin’ at ya for your own good. Don’t know how to say this delicately, so we’ll just say it: you’re gonna die and we’re going to consume your remains.

It’s not you, tuna fish. It’s us. Well, that’s kind of a lie. The root of the issue is that you are frickin delicious. You’ll note, of course, that the Atlantic Bluefin is endangered. Why? Delicious. Oh sure, the Albacore Tuna is only “Near Threatened,” but that’s because they’re less delicious than the Bluefin.

Kiss your slimy ass goodbye and get ready to be mixed with some mayo and a bit of pickle.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. Hah! Get it? Tidings? Oh lighten up, tuna fish.