FLOWERY BRANCH — Atlanta’s top sports teams squared off in the media today as the story broke that the Falcons were voted “Most likely to Crush Dreams.” The poll, held by Atlanta sports fans on Facebook, closed voting yesterday with the Falcons ahead by a narrow margin.
Falcon’s mascot’s assistant, Dick Beavers, spoke to The Atlanta Banana outside the team’s administrative offices.
“I think I speak for Freddie and the team when I say that we’re all very pleased. Obviously we deserve this accolade much more than the Braves do, as they’ve actually won a league championship in the past.”
Former Braves mascot and symbol of racial insensitivity Chief Noc-A-Homa, speaking to The Atlanta Banana via dance from his dilapidated teepee at an undisclosed location, is adamant that the poll represents some kind of technical malfunction.
“That anyone would think the Falcons have crushed more dreams than the Braves have is, frankly, absurd,” he gyrated. “It’s precisely because the Braves have won in the past that they are able to gouge the hearts of fans so utterly.”
Noc-A-Homa further gesticulated, “Remember in the late seventies when they moved my teepee every year to make way for football season? It caused bad luck, and the Braves always went into a slump, but team management still did it. Every year. That’s some trail of tears shit right there.”
The Chief then added, “Speaking of tears, I could really use a job.”
The city’s other major sports teams are similarly disgusted with the Falcons sweep of the poll. The Hawks released this statement:
“The Atlanta Hawks object strongly to the notion that anyone could be more thorough an embarrassment to the fans and to athleticism as a whole than we are. We’re basically the sports franchise equivalent of shat pants.”
Former hockey embarrassment the Atlanta Thrashers were unavailable for comment, having collapsed under the weight of their own sucking as of press time.