Facebook to Begin Charging for Political Posts

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Four score and seven posts ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a shitty Instagram of dinner.

MENLO PARK–Facebook announced this morning that it would begin charging small sums of money to allow political posts on its popular social media site. The move comes as a surprise to posters, who feel free to vent frustrations about their governments to friends and family. Facebook points to increasing operating cost as developing nations come online.

“We are happy to host political status updates from all directions, be they images with misquotes from founding fathers, regurgitated talking points, or just wild conspiracy theories,” said Zack Marburg, spokesman. “But like any business, we need revenue, and the data shows that our political posters are our most determined userbase. So we’re gonna charge the shit out of them.”

Facebook developed the algorithm to detect political posts using IBM’s Watson computer, famous for competing on the television game show “Jeapordy.” The software can detect up to 3.2 trillion politically charged diatribes per second.

Though the fee structure has yet to be revealed in full, Marburg says there will be extra charges for length and for words typed in all capital letters, above and beyond the cost for a text post. Posting images with quotes over them will cost the most, with premium fees for images of founding fathers.

“Even just re-sharing some political page’s image will cost money,” said Marburg, adding “We are gonna make a mint. I’ve already picked out my Ferrari. It’s a 458, just FYI.”