Emory Dating Study Finds Friend Zone Unescapable

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Calling themselves The Rude Dudes, a team of scientists contemplates the Friend Zone. PHOTO: jurvetson, flickr

ATLANTA–A team of behavioral scientists have announced the results of a five-year study today, which are that the so-called Friend Zone can not be escaped with current dating technology.

The team released a lengthy report on their findings, from which this quote is drawn:

We studied friend-zoned chumps from all walks of life, using cameras, GPS units, and sound recording devices, and it was clear that, once in the dreaded friend zone, it is impossible to escape it via current known means.

“It’s a lot like a black hole,” stated Dr. Frevalone, team lead. “Once you cross the event horizon of a black hole, not even light can escape. Similarly, once you are friend zoned by a hot chick, not even the best game on the planet can get you into her pants.”

Frevalone went on to state that anecdotal evidence occasionally supported a Friend Zone escape, but in every case it turned out that the escapee was mistaken about being in it in the first place.

But Dr. Freida Jidd, team lead of a group of lady scientists, released a critique of Frevalone’s findings, in which she cited evidence suggesting that Frevalone’s subjects were “creepy” to begin with and didn’t have “a chance in hell” in the first place.

“I wouldn’t call what Frevalone’s subjects did ‘dating,'” Dr. Jidd told Atlanta Banana reporters via phone. “Stalking hot chicks on Facebook and liking everything they say is not dating. It’s being a tremendous pussy. Either ask her out or move on.”

Frevalone was nonplussed on receipt of the above message, however. “It is quite clear that Dr. Jidd has not done her research. Has she not heard the Spice Girls single ‘Wannabe?’ In it, we are told that if we want to be her lover, first we gotta get with her friends. It’s as plain as day.”