SHADES, GA — New homeowner and recent burglary victim Joe Kepler purchased his house just over three months ago in the Shades neighborhood south of Atlanta. Once a thriving community which sprang up around a toilet handle manufacturing plant, the neighborhood has fallen on hard times, but is poised to make a comeback according to current residents.
“That’s what they say, at least,” reports Kepler, for whose liking the neighborhood is simply not emerging fast enough. “Look, I purchased a house here because I wanted something that would grow in value. Now I’ve been burglarized and had my Microsoft Kinect stolen right off my flatscreen. Have these people no decency?”
Kepler thought he’d probably have to put up with some minority children running around, or perhaps a few neighborhood cars with gaudy gold trim, but was not at all prepared for the crime, to say nothing of the resentment.
“It’s almost like my new neighbors don’t even want me to live here,” Kepler fumes. “I was very well respected on the condo association in my Midtown high rise, so I know what I’m talking about, but you’d never know it at the HOA meetings. As soon as I start telling everyone what’s what they just look around like I’m some kind of asshole.”
Kepler plans a New Years get together to help clear the air. “I think that once my neighbors come in and see all of my artfully arranged designer furniture and my top-of-the-line electronics, they’ll realize that I am exactly the kind of person they want not only to live near, but to be like.”
“I feel it’s my duty to help this neighborhood emerge as quickly as possible,” he concluded.