“I’m simply thrilled that the appointed time has come and I can finally work with Olivia,” gushed Sir Elton, “but when we got together, we knew we needed a third to make this thing really work. We needed one more kindred spirit. A true John. So we found another.”
That “other” improbably turned out to be former big-league pitcher Tommy John, who played 26 years in the majors and might be best known for the eponymous elbow surgery that repairs formerly career-ending injuries.
“I have no idea why I’m here,” mumbled a noticeably woozy Tommy John. “I can’t play an instrument…I don’t sing. Where am I?”
“Hush, Tommy…you WILL sing,” interjected Olivia. “He’ll be fine. We’ll give him a tambourine or something. Sir Elton and I have more than enough musical talent. But we do need him. I mean, like the old saying goes, ‘When the Three Johns unite in song, the skies will open to fulfill the prophe…’”
“…to fulfill us as artists, of course,” a visibly flustered Sir Elton interrupted. “As artists. And nothing else. NOTHING ELSE will happen.”
Sir Elton regained his composure and went on to say that while the band has had few opportunities to really practice, songs have already been written for their first album, Darkest Before the John. Curiously, only a single live show has been planned, although Olivia mentioned that a North American tour could be a possibility.
“A Divine Victory tour,” she added, mysteriously.
“They kidnapped me from my house,” revealed an increasingly distraught Tommy John. “I think they’re crazy. I want to go home now…please don’t leave me!”
Sir Elton then waved his hand, and a pair of hulking bodyguards whisked Tommy John away to a back bedroom, where muffled screams could be heard over “Crocodile Rock.”
Olivia revealed that a significant portion of the proceeds from the upcoming album and live show will be given to charities that benefit causes close to the artists’ hearts: gay rights, breast cancer awareness, and elbows.
“Not that it’s gonna matter,” barked Olivia. “You’ll see. You’ll ALL see.”