Ebola Patients Infecting Atlanta with Severe Overreaction

0
3860

ATLANTA–According to several Atlanta-based physicians and mental health professionals, Emory’s two Ebola virus patients have touched off massive overreaction among Atlanta citizens.

“This could issue in the worst case we’ve ever seen,” cautioned Dr. Mahesh Kapadia, chief of Emory’s Infectious Diseases unit. “Despite our specialized quarantine unit designed to house such patients, and the years of infection control and protocol training shared amongst our staff, there is really no way to guard against local dumbasses spreading bullshit, paranoia, and fear-mongering through Facebook or other forms of social media.”

Though Dr. Kapadia and his team are actively working to eradicate myths about how the Ebola virus is spread, he shares the belief that his efforts won’t be enough.

“The fear and misinformation is spreading faster than we can even identify it, let alone treat it,” stated Kapadia. “Thanks to a tireless viral campaign by, among others, your crazy aunt and that guy you keep meaning to un-friend, overreaction has jumped by about 600 percent.”

There is hope, however. According to Kapadia, individuals suffering from overreaction can take a few simple steps to guard against a full-blown shit fit.

“Close your computer, take a deep breath, go outside and take a goddamn walk,” urged Dr. Kapadia. “I mean, Jesus, people.”

At press time, roughly 13% of Atlantans were freaking the fuck out and searching WebMD to determine whether or not their headaches were symptomatic of Ebola.

SHARE
Previous articleF NY & LA 2. ATL 4 ME & U
Next articleThis Is Atlanta S1E01: Opium and Snowcockalypse
J. Allison has been called "Atlanta's comedy writing darling." She came up with this title herself, but it's bound to catch on any day now. In her spare time, she writes "Lord of the Rings" fan fiction and quotes the parts of movies that no one else remembers. She also enjoys the movie "Twister."