Drunken Unicorn Loses Liquor License, Renames itself “Bored Unicorn”

0
1252
Shots shots shots shots shots shots, everybody. Except you there. Yes, you. PHOTO: xlibber

ATLANTA–Due to an unfortunate incident involving a man dressed in a dragon costume, another man with a real sword, and an excessive amount of vodka, the Drunken Unicorn has lost its liquor license, forcing the business to rename itself “Bored Unicorn.”

“We figured we’d reflect what the place is actually like now,” said owner Paul Barstow. “People just kind of, I dunno, stand around.”

When asked the precise details of the precipitous event, Barstow declined comment. “The police are still sorting it out,” he said while standing by the venue’s stage. “You can see the blood stains right there, though. See, on the floor next to the chalk outline?”

Since the Unicorn announced the revocation of their liquor license, many acts have canceled shows. Eddie Nitheson, frontman for the heavy-metal act Satan’s Eczema said, “You can’t play shows without alcohol. Smashing non-alcoholic beer bottles isn’t fun at all. Asking us to play without booze is like asking Shaquille O’Neal to win a leprechaun lookalike contest. It’s not gonna happen.”

So the Bored Unicorn has resorted to more traditional and “family-oriented” forms of entertainment, according to Barstow. They have Connect 4 tournaments on a regular basis now, along the Twister and Go Fish. “Parcheesi has become a huge hit,” he said. “We get about six people for those events.”

Staring contents have also dominated the establishment’s Thursday nights, and Bingo on Friday is a popular attraction for seniors.

Music is still a large part of the Bored Unicorn’s lineup, however. “Just no electric guitars, drums, bass guitars, synthesizers, or anything like that. All acoustic guitars and fiddles. And tambourines,” said Barstow. “If it gets people moving, we don’t want it.”

When asked if the Bored Unicorn will reacquire a liquor license, Barstow isn’t certain he even wants to. “Everybody’s out of here by eight-thirty now. No people passed out in their own puke in the parking lot; no one mistakes chairs for urinals; nobody uses swords to stab other guys dressed as dragons. It’s kinda nice.”

“But then again,” he said. “It’s more boring than, well, I can’t think of anything. I’m too bored to think these days. I’m more bored than a blind guy at a silent movie.”