Drunk Trees Target Midtown Cars

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A tree after a few too many pints of water. PHOTO: dejee, Flickr

ATLANTA–Trees, tipsy after indulging in a few too many pints of water during a rain storm and out for a bit of juvenile fun, are targeting Midtown cars today, falling on them and endangering their drivers.

Reporters spoke with Treebark the Awkward, a local Druid and part-time computer repair technician.

“Oooh yes! The trees are enraged,” said the green-cloaked Treebark, whose barely visible work identification also named him as “Steve.” “They seek reprisals for such crimes against their kind as pollution, global warming, and chewing gum. Woe be to he that parks under a midtown member of the Wood People. Woe, I say!”

Treebark went on to explain that trees in the Midtown area, while normally reserved and not given to physical displays, get a bit tipsy when there’s a lot of water in the ground, then goad each other into falling on houses or cars, causing damage and potentially injuring humans.

When pressed to explain the trees motivation for committing what amounts to suicide, since most get chain sawed up and hauled away to clear roadway obstruction, Treebark shrugged.

“What can I say?” he asked. “Trees are nihilists. They believe in nothing.”