Devil Seeks Lady Devil

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PHOTO: Dave Parker

Hey guys, it’s me, the Devil, and I just want to make it absolutely clear that there is not currently a lady Devil in my life. If you’re interested in some underworld romance, I am your guy.

Most of the time I like to stay home, you know, relax with a glass of wine made from the suffering of children and just kick it, but if you like going out that’s cool too. I love clubbing. They don’t call it “dancing with the Devil” because I’m a square, you know?

If you’ve seen my ex girlfriend Cheryl’s tweets about how my place smells like brimstone, ignore them. She is a bitch, and anyway I have been cooking cinnamon on the stove for like a fucking year.

Who are you gonna believe, someone with angel wings tattooed on, or someone who actually was an angel? She couldn’t even afford to get them tattooed on her whole back. They look like a pigeon’s wings. Hah!

But look, the truth is I am totally over her anyway, so let’s talk about me and you. I don’t like to play games. I mean, we play kickball with Hitler’s severed head sometimes, but that’s just for a laugh. When I get serious about a female it is magical.

I call most of the time instead of texting because I know females like that. I leave great voicemails too, just to let you know I’m thinking about you. Listen to them before you call back, though. Serious pet peeve, right there. And call back. It’s just polite, girl.

I won’t even hold it against you if your parents or other immediate family are here in Hell. Obviously I can’t give them special treatment, though. Unless you want to give Little Devil some special treatment.

Know what I’m saying? I think you do.