ATLANTA, GA–In recent weeks, a rank fog has rolled in over CNN analyst Chuck Flatch’s cubicle, now fueled by the crisis in Crimea. “It just stays with you,” said the news veteran of twenty years. “I’ve given up trying to remove the stench from my clothes.”
A newly installed fire pit in Flatch’s back yard has paid dividends, ridding any reminders of his soiled work week.
Flatch, 46, hit rock-bottom when he was thrown out of a Goodwill store this week for attempting to donate his stinky stitches.
When the Olympics in Sochi ended, CNN quickly panned down to the situation in Crimea, leading to around-the-clock reporting, dubbed “Rootin-Tootin-PUTIN-Shootin.” The sudden ubiquity if the story now reeks of lactose-intolerant convention goers duped by the “Human Centipede” doctor after being fed cartons of a Breyer’s Vanilla Bean.
Flatch is now encouraging fellow associates and CNN viewers to join his “Operation Fart Thwart” Facebook page, where followers can submit non-Putin related news stories for a chance to win prizes such as Glade-scented oil candles, 1-800 Flowers gift cards, or a Great American Cookie Cake. The grand prize winner will receive a lifetime supply of the new Febreze Putin Reducer line of odor eliminators.
The US hopes a growing supply of natural gas can be used as a weapon to undercut the influence of Russian president, Vladimir Putin, easing his clamp on Ukraine. Flatch said, “Fighting Putin with gas!?” making himself laugh hard enough to do some Putin.