City Council Votes to Install 5 New Miles of Bike Hating Lanes

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Hating bicycles is a popular suburban pastime. PHOTO: Salim Virji

ATLANTA — The Atlanta City Council voted yesterday in favor of adding over 5 new miles of bike hating lanes to the city’s infrastructure. Currently, bike haters are forced to travel in the same lanes as other motorists.

Bike haters say that the special lanes improve safety by allowing them all the time they need to scream homophobic slurs out the window at cyclists. Reporters spoke with one such bike hater during this morning’s commute

“You know, these asshole cyclists act like they’re just minding their business, but what they’re really threatening the very fiber of our American way of life.” said Buzz Saberbz, Austell homeowner and 4×4 on-road enthusiast.

Saberbz then paused the interview to scream at a passing cyclist to get on the sidewalk.

City Council advisor Prof. Pharr Wheeler, Bicycle Institute and Training Center Head, supported Saberbz comments.

“Who do cyclists think they are, not burning fossil fuels as fast as they can? Do they think they’re better than we are? We can quit any time we want!” The professor then ripped open his shirt to reveal a faded eagle tattoo, and screamed “‘Merica!”