City Celebrates St. Patrick’s Day Because Beer

1
2029
St. Patrick clutching a sixer.

ATLANTA–Our fair city is drawing breath today to begin celebrating the history of St. Patrick, some kind of a priest or something, in remembrance of his great contributions because beer. Holy shit, so many beers.

Harvey Notherwan, Professor of United Kingdom at Emory, confirmed that St. Patrick’s day holds particular significance for Atlantans.

“Oh yes, we are going to slam down some coldies with a fierceness,” he proclaimed to reporters in his office late Wednesday afternoon. “You understand of course that, speaking in terms of my research of Ireland and the first century, pretty much every hot piece of ass in the city is going to be drunk off her Uggs’n’leggings. Do you think for a minute that I want to miss that? Hell no.”

He then rose from his chair, tore open his robes to reveal a sparsely haired old man chest dyed green with food coloring and screamed “Cold beer!” until he passed out.

Atlantan Bear Leewalkin, speaking to Atlanta Banana reporters on tenth street, was similarly enthused.

“I don’t even really know what my family’s heritage is,” he confided. “But I do know that beer tastes awesome. Add to that a vague excuse to pinch people I barely know, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a weekend.”

Representatives from a local beverage distributor declined to be named in this article, but alluded to efforts to come up with “some kind of a holiday where people can get shitfaced” in the month of April, bridging the gap between the holidays of St. Patrick’s in March and Cinco de Mayo, the South American feast of mayonnaise.

“It’s just a shame that no one drinks beer the rest of the year,” our source lamented. “At least we have holidays like St. Patrick’s to spice things up.”