CABBAGETOWN–Organizers of the popular Chomp and Stomp chili cookoff have announced a rebranding for 2016 to better represent the apparent needs of the contestants. For 2016, not only will teams chili cooking be judged, but each teams ability to whine about the results on Facebook will figure into their final score.
The event, run by volunteers and widely known to be one of the best things to do in the metro area, is so important to Cabbagetown residents that second place teams have been known to commit suicide at the sheer horror of being so close to glory, and yet so far. Third place teams usually just leave the city in shame. Fourth place teams give each other titty twisters (hard ones).
“This contest is the most important thing in the world,” said individual chili cookoff entrant Tony Chachere. “The organizers had better treat it with the respect we Cabbagetonians demand, or there’ll be hell to pay on Facebook. Do you hear me? Hell to pay!” Chachere then let out a war cry and brandished a hand-carved spoon.
Chachere, 32, barely survived his team’s mass suicide in 2013. Three other members died at Grady after snorting half a pound of cumin each.
Organizers were quick to capitulate under the crushing weight of social media pressure. “Basically, our choices are to reward people for their Facebook bitching, or cancel the event entirely,” said Red Pintos, Chomp and Stomp spokesman. “If we have the event, people bitch. If we cancel it, people will bitch. Yet when it’s time to get volunteers together to run this thing, it’s like an artisan-crafted blanket of silence descends on the neighborhood.”