CDC Warns Against Sexy Zombies

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It's a delicate thing, balancing the levels of sexy and zombie. PHOTO: Jinx Strange/Getty Images

ATLANTA-Centers for Disease Control specialist Dr. Sylvia Van der Snooch took time out of her busy holiday party schedule to speak with the Atlanta Banana about a serious concern during this year’s Fall festivities:

Are sexy zombies really a threat to Halloween?

According to experts: “Fuck yes.”

The Atlanta Banana caught up with Dr. Van der Snooch, Grand Cyclops of the CDC’s Department of Reanimation and Primate Bothering, during an inebriated cigarette break on the side stoop of the department where, just inside, their annual pre-pre- Halloween party raged.

She was dressed as a sexy doctor.

“I don’t even fuckin’, what?” the renowned researcher offered while fumbling to light an impossibly long Virginia Slim produced from somewhere within her bra. After a long drag and a sultry exhale from the side of her mouth, her eyes began to focus. “Oh, right, right, right. Zombies.”

Leading a controversial department beset by budget cuts and intense federal scrutiny in recent years has left a beleaguered Van der Snooch with a full plate, a tight budget and a head full of forbidden knowledge.

“Yeah, them shits’ll bite you if you don’t watch out.” said the doctor while absently texting. “‘specially the sexy ones.”

Sexy zombies, according to Dr. Van der Snooch, “are practically indistinguishable from regular ho-bags in zombie makeup.” The swaying, distracted scientist then went on to outline a nightmare scenario:

“I mean, you figure if there’s an outbreak, who’s gonna get bit first? Whores, probably? And then you figure some of them will wander into a large crowd of people. And you’re all like ‘Oh, hey, a sexy zombie! Let’s kiss with tongues and beat our genitals together on the guest bed!’ She bathsalts your face off, yadda yadda, we end up having to nuke the city.”

Chilling. Consider that recent slutistics have shown “sexy zombie” as a costume choice climb to 46%, hedging out time honored classic “sexy schoolgirl” for the top spot for the first time in history. To explain this dizzying growth, the Atlanta Banana consulted stereotypical neckbeard and self-described “wunderkind”, 36-year-old Gary Arneson, who had this to say:

“Oh, everyone just loves the hit show Dead Walking because it’s pumped into their faces through the talking idiot box so of course it’s zombie-this and zombie-that all over Wal Mart now. They don’t even realize that it’s from a graphic novel that I’ve been into since, like, 2001.”

The greasy behemoth went on to explain: “If [they had] read Dead Walking #18, [they would] know that Cory eventually does stay in the house, just like they would have known that Ned Stark gets beheaded.”, thus spoiling everything like a big, stupid bitch.

What can we, the Halloweening public, do to protect ourselves and loved ones from mistaking actual, hungering undead for bandwagonning partytrim?

“First of- First of- First of all,” Dr. Van der Snooch said, interrupted by staccato hiccups that smelled like peppermint schnapps and regret. “Don’t send Marcus a picture of your tits, thinking he’ll sneak out on that bitch wife of his. And then first of all, you’re really tall.”

When asked what a citizen should do if bitten by a sexy zombie during a party, the drunk and aggressively horny doctor offered the following tips: Stay calm. To get attention, yell “Fire!” or “Holy fuck! A zombie!” and lastly, under no circumstances should anyone attempt to confront or restrain a real sexy zombie. Instead, “try to locate a sexy nurse or a slutty police officer until sexy military personnel can initiate sexy protocol.”

Dr. Van der Snooch then got way up in the Atlanta Banana’s face and asked if we wanted to see a dead body.

Which we did.

So we did. And it was totally gross.

Sources close to the party report that the Atlanta Banana correspondent went on to “hit that”, and that “[that] broad works in dick the way some people work in stained glass. Marcus, if you’re reading this, you missed out, dude. For real.”

Marcus could not be reached for comment.