Cain To Bring Fresh, Eight-Months-Younger Perspective To Boortz Show

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Cain's hip, updated crotchetyness will appeal to listeners in the 66-67 demographic. PHOTO: Gage Skidmore

WSB BUILDING–Celebrated Atlanta conservative radio journalist Neal Boortz, 67, will retire next year, to be replaced by Herman Cain, a fresh young upstart just 66 years of age.

Cain, having completed his media trial-by-fire by bravely outliving a scandal spurred by allegations of improper naughty touchey, will still be visited by and receive advice from the translucent and hazy-blue-outlined image of Boortz over the coming years.

“I couldn’t be more pleased that Herman will take over for me,” Boortz stated. “I’m getting on in years, you know. It’s been a little more of a Church of the Painful Hip than Painful Truth of late.”

Boortz will enjoy his newfound freedom by traveling with his wife, delivering heated diatribes into a hairbrush whenever tension mounts.

WSB Radio released this statement regarding Cain’s new slot:

The Boortz Show has always had excellent ratings when compared with its two toughest competitors in the prized 60+ demographic, those being: taking a nice nap, and yelling at that damned neighbor cat.

Cain will undoubtedly bring a breath of fresh, new, still-mostly-ambulatory air to the program.

Cain, an accomplished businessman and acknowledged member of the Face Gardeners, a club for men who still wear mustaches non-ironically in this day and age, can’t wait to get started.

“Like any good political journalists, we tell the hard truths that no one wants to hear but that we want to hear very much,” Cain said of himself and Boortz. “And I have every intention of continuing to agree with myself on air for as long as I can remember what I’m talking about.”