Beltline Time Trial Cyclist Kills Four

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Outta my way, children! PHOTO: Suneil Basu

ATLANTA, GA–Four people were killed and a further seven injured this weekend when struck by a cyclist speeding down the packed Beltline. The suspect, Chad Dustin Bradley, 35, chased down easily by Police when he took to surface streets, asked that officers check the digital speedometer attached to his bike before taking him to jail to see if he’d “broke [his] record.” Only the above blurry photo exists of the incident, but hours of cell phone camera footage have been sent in to Police.

Warm weather and a rare break in the rain resulted in ideal conditions to enjoy Atlanta’s recently completed section of the multi-use path known as the Beltline. But the trouble began when amateur cyclists, too old and too speedy for the sidewalk but too weak or too ignorant to join any one of the area’s many sanctioned races, took to the Beltline’s smooth concrete surface to test their legs.

“He just came outta nowhere,” said Biff Slarps, 27, father of twins Charity and Leslae, aged 2, both struck and killed. “He slammed into our family, knocking us all to the ground, then immediately jumped back on his bike, screaming ‘Strava! Strava! Strava!’ over and over. I don’t even know what that is.” Strava is a website athletes use to record and compare riding results, occasionally misused by the helplessly narcissistic as an excuse to be unsafe.

Three hundred yards down the path, an elderly gentleman, Richard “Dick” Washington, 86, was impaled on the suspect’s forward-facing time trial style handlebars. The suspect was again tossed from his bike, and again was heard to scream the word “Strava” repeatedly while kicking Washington’s lifeless body free of his handlebars and once more leaping aboard the bike and speeding away.

The final death, Edith Perdie, 81, was struck when moving to her left to avoid the speeding cyclist, not understanding that his snarls of “On your left!” meant he intended to pass her on her left, not that she should move to her left. Perdie survived the impact, but died of fright at the garishly dressed man’s appearance.

The suspect faces several counts of reckless endangerment, manslaughter, and second degree murder, and the District Attorney’s office expects a swift conviction thanks to helpful citizen videos and Beltline camera system security camera footage. As yet, he has expressed no remorse.

“I am pure energy,” said Bradley. “I am my bicycle and my bicycle is me. I must speed down the Beltline. It is my destiny to be speed. I am the wind.”

When reporters pressed Bradley, asking why he didn’t join a sanctioned race at Atlanta’s Dick Lane Velodrome, or any one of the myriad sanctioned road bike races in the area, Bradley said that he only felt fast when passing walking children. He was quickly shushed by counsel.

13 COMMENTS

  1. Know what’s funny? The Onion.

    Lameassed attempts to rip off the Onion — not even slightly funny. Just douchey.

    • The Onion really isn’t funny, but I agree this is a ripoff. I do get the meaning here though. Strava is making people that pedal on the edge of stupidity take a head first digger into full-on, flat-lined brain death. Oh and slow the fuck down on the multi use paths people.

      • It could have been funny if it stuck with the strava obssessed line of humor. The problem is that cyclists are also vulnerable users so adding in the “kills 4” aspect ruins the joke because that part doesn’t have that “truthy” quality jokes need to work. I would have gone with a riff on alienating all his friends / coworkers / other cyclists or something.

        • Hi, I’m the author of the article and the editor here, and you’re wrong. Fake people, specifically, fake children, regrettably had to be hurt in this article because injury is what I believe will happen to real children in real life if cyclists don’t slow down on the Beltline.

          I love bikes, and the Beltline is probably the best thing to happen to Atlanta. But it’s not a cycling superhighway. It’s a path for everyone — walkers, runners, cyclists, young, old, rich, poor… everyone — to use. Cyclists need to slow down and be respectful before they hurt someone. A real someone.

          Now that would be not funny.

          • To the Editor/Writer of this article: surely you can think of a more productive method of communicating your concerns that fabricating the deaths of 2 year olds and grandma’s.

            The method you chose here is idiotic at best.

          • Staying to the right and passing on the left is simple and effective system to prevent collision and has been used much longer than our lifespans. A good example is the autobahn where speeds over and beyond 150mph are allowed and common, and much more severe than any collision between a bicycle and child. If a child is struck on the beltline it is the negligence of the parents ignoring safety systems in an environment with real world risk. To simply state a biker is a risky jerk for riding somewhere with no imposed speed limit is looking at a system without being aware of its rules.

            But I think this article is really funny, I found it after repeatedly hearing people repeat it as if it actually happened LOL, cheers!

            And everyone being butthurt about imaginary children dying, what is going on with you, are you so entitled to “Being Family” that you’re think you can shame this man for his fiction? Go back to being boring and overpopulating the earth, we can use alot more dead kids.

          • Leave the editor to do his work, please. He’s clearly a satirist. Those of you too numb or too sensitive to appreciate the points (or at least the humor) of these articles should probably stick to Drudge.

  2. As long as people keep score, there will subsequently be a victor. Since when has there been something wrong with that?

  3. Oh, come on. Lighten up, folks, this is funny stuff. I’m surprised more of the elderly aren’t killed by biker costumes.

  4. My long history in academia and my special doctorate in phrenology, from the University of Marx—Groucho, tells me this article is, indeed, funny.
    One need only read Aristotle’s definition of “What Is Funny” to observe it. Freud weighs-in, too.
    All appear to agree: the funny part is right there, wedged between expectation of normalized behavior and the bit where a human person is either flying in the air or has a funny name.

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